2nd
October
2008
Tips for two?
With just three weeks (or less) to go before the Parasite2 arrives, we are trying to make some changes now to make the transition easier on Lucy:
- We talk about the baby a lot, and answer any questions Lucy has (mostly around if the baby can go down the slide with her or share her oatmeal or come into the bathtub). We make a big deal out of all the things the two girls will be able to do together, but that it will take some time for Lucy’s sister to grow and really be able to play.
- We stress how much help Lucy is going to be to Mummy (and Daddy), and all the big girl things she can do (bring diapers, help bathe, hold). Lucy’s helped with some parts of the nursery, too.
- By the pure nature of our family arrangement the past 1.5 years (Eric leaving the house to work and dropping Lucy off at daycare, me working from home), I’ve always gotten Lucy ready in the morning: Dressing, feeding, grooming. The past week or so Eric has taken over some of these tasks; so not only does Lucy get used to him doing it, but Eric does, too. We know how demanding a newborn is, and that there will be plenty of times that she’ll need to be fed or I’ll be too exhausted.
- On the days Lucy stays home with me — our plan, as long as money allows, is to still send her to daycare two days a week, and to my Mom’s one day (she’s free, though!) – Eric will walk ol’ Spencer Dog before he leaves for work, too. It’s hard enough to do with a frenetic, distracted toddler, let alone a a frenetic, distracted toddler and a newborn in a stroller.
- At Durham Mom’s Night Out last night, Laura mentioned getting Lucy used to Daddy coming to her in the middle of the night should she ever wake up — on her own or from new baby crying — so the pressure is off me as much as possible, and she knows I can’t always be there.
- And the baby has bought Lucy a gift for when she comes to the hospital to meet her baby sister for the first time. I’ve also heard to try to not be holding the baby when your first-born arrives.
Outside of these, and trying to mentally/physically/psychologically prepare ourselves for a whole other being to join our world, I’m not really sure what else to do.
So, readers who have multiple kids or who had siblings growing up, please (oh, please) share your sanity- and life-saving tips for preparing an older sibling for the arrival of the younger one. While you’re at it, how did you handle two young kids at once? Getting them out of the house? Preventing jealousy? (Breast)feeding with a toddler? Not killing one or both out of pure exhaustion or exasperation? Eat? Live?
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There are currently 13 responses
well, looks like you’ve already got two of my suggestions from earlier (present and holding said newborn), other than that … just enjoy.
re: feeding the baby – Lexy saw me nursing Cait one day and she asked if she could try it .. eek! I know it’s stupid but I was kind of embarrased.
As far as sanity – you’ll really need help from Eric, it’s pretty simple. I know he’s totally supportive and helps as much as he can. Hopefully he’ll have the ability to see when you need a break before you’re willing to admit it and take the kids from you so you can sleep. That is a rare treat!
It is difficult juggling the two of them and yes, the baby is more demanding than the Toddler and as easy as it sounds (and as hard as it is to do) try to make time for just Lucy and you. Her life is about to be turned upside down. It was just the three of you for 2.5 years and now she has to share your attention and ‘fight’ for it. The baby will come first (need to feed, change etc.) and that takes some adjustment. Lots of kisses, and hugs help. Maybe try when you’re feeding the baby to have Lucy sit with you and the two of you have “girl talk” while the baby’s feeding. Reassure her that your love didn’t divide when the baby came, it multiplied. You may find Lucy having more temper fits or cries more easily. She’ll come around again in a few weeks.
Have you got Lucy talking to your belly/baby? Lexy used to do that. “I can’t wait for you to be born, baby”. It was very touching. I kind of miss that.
Get LOTS of sleep now while you can, you’ll need it.
Good luck Carly, Eric and Lucy
My mother gave Lucia a newborn cabbage patch kid. She loves it. Every time I sit down to feed or change baby, she does the same thing with her baby.
Other than that, I’m just barely surviving so no good advice here.
no advice from me, but I am taking it all in as I will need the same advice in 3 months when my 2nd little one makes its way into this world…..
I think that it’s important that you go into this with as little stress as possible about how Lucy will react. The reason? You really have NO idea how she’ll react. She may be so easy going about it that you’ll be shocked! Or… worse case, she might freak out. I think that you can try and prepare her BUT mostly just try and deal with things as they come… go with the flow. That’s my motto!
I believe you are as prepared as you can be. You never know what is going to happen. I don’t have a second – but advice from other moms with two I’ve heard is learn to nurse using a sling so you can walk around with baby #2 and still somewhat interact with #1.
I completely agree with the previous two posters about trying not to stress too much as you really don’t know how Lucy will react. I also think that you are smart for keeping Lucy in daycare for a few days a week. I did that for the first 6 months and it was a sanity saver.
We have had some jealousy issues in our house and there were definitely many temper tantrums after our second was born (in hindsight now I’m not sure if it was Isaac’s age or if it was jealousy etc. plus we had a few extra issues to deal with as you know.) Before Alex was born we talked about the baby A LOT and we had a few story books about becoming a big brother that we read frequently.
As for dealing with two, yes it sounds daunting now, but I can assure you that you will find a groove. When I nursed Alex, often Isaac (and Otto) would join me on the couch. TV ended up being a frequently used tool much to my disapproval but hey you have to do what you have to do. I could never do the “let’s read a book while I nurse Alex” because I found it too hard to balance the book/turn pages while nursing. I gave up on trying to keep up a spotless house and for the first time I took the advice of sleep when the baby sleeps. I would bring the bassinet in Isaac’s room and the three of us would have our nap together. We would also on occassion let Isaac stay up later as a treat to let him have some one-on-one time with mom and dad. Another great piece of advice I received, and it may sound unfair to your newborn, is to attend to your firstborn before the baby (within reason of course) as your newborn doesn’t know any different, whereas your firstborn knows the difference. And finally, if you have time before the baby is born, stock up on frozen meals, muffins, cookies etc. now for quick meals later.
Ang, I’ve been waiting to hear from you
I’ve never heard about tending to your first-born first (within reason, as you said), but that makes a lot of sense.
Today I am canning tomato sauce (mostly for Christmas presents), but next week I have time put aside to cook casseroles etc. for when baby arrives. We were also blessed with a whole bunch of restaurant/take-out gift cards at my shower a few weeks ago.
Laura, you are so right about not stressing and going with the flow. I am certainly prepared to do that as much as possible, and Lucy is a super-adaptable girl; always has been. So I am optimistic for the transition!
And Doodle’s Mom, I so wish sleep could be stock-piled ; ) It’s hard — physically — to lay down for too long right now, but I’m trying my best to nap when I can during the day (fighting nesting is HARD!) to make up for restless nights. And yes, Lucy does talk to the baby through my belly, and gives her kisses. It’s so sweet
Please keep the advice coming! I’m reading every word.
You sound well prepared Carly!
I was really worried about how I would deal with nursing a newborn while watching a 2 1/2 year old. But when they’re first born, babies don’t care what’s going on around them, as long as they can eat. (Now at 7 months, I have to be in a completely separate quiet room to nurse, and if Andrew hears his older brother, forget it!) At first, I usually had Eric sit with me while I nursed. We watched TV (OMG TREEHOUSE OVERLOAD), cuddled, sometimes read a book or played with a small toy. I hate that he watches so much TV, but it’s the only thing that keeps him quiet and safe while I feed.
On keeping sane – Daycare is a lifesaver. We have kept Eric in daycare for 2 days a week, and those are my “days off”. I would highly recommend it, as the budget allows. Not only does it get them out of the house and they have a chance to play with other kids their age, but it keeps that aspect of their life consistant. And it’s a break from baby too. In the beginning, Eric also LOVED showing off his baby brother when I dropped him off and picked him up from daycare. He was beaming as his little friends oohhed and aahhed over his baby brother.
And yes, getting out of the house is a must. We have a wonderful Early Years Centre that opened up at the mall around the corner from our house, and it has been a god-sent! Not only does it have a nursing room, public health nurses and lactation consultants, it has an amazing playroom. Eric loves the toys, games, puzzles, books, etc. They have an art room, which is also a must do too. We got to the park a lot this summer, and sometimes we just wander around the mall (throwing pennies in the fountain, going to the toy store) and playing outside. I’m sure you won’t have too much trouble finding things to keep you busy!
Good Luck! You’ll figure it out. It becomes the new normal.
Hi Carly,
I had a couple more minutes so I thought I’d share a couple more things that worked for me…
I tried to give Eric some choices about small things, like should I change you first or the baby? Do you want your bath first or the baby? It gives him a little more power in the situation, and keeps him involved.
Also, I always used to put Eric to bed. We didn’t transition out of this before Andrew was born. So I made sure I continued this, even if it did mean letting Andrew cry a little. I agree with the other Mom who said you do sometimes have to put the first child first. They both need to get used to not always being the first.
The other thing is, we didn’t push Eric to get out of the crib, high chair, stroller, diapers, etc. before Andrew was born. He decided on his own to start sleeping in the big boy bed. And the other transitions were probably easier with a baby because he could see that he really was a big boy because Andrew really was a baby.
Finally – and by no means am I saying that a newborn is not a lot of work – but it’s not as bad as the first time around. You have the benefit of your experience. This time, instead of it taking several tries (days, weeks) to figure out what the best way to do things, it takes just a try or two. You already know the logitics of bathing a baby – where to set the tub & towel & soap, to have the sleeper & diaper ready… It sometimes takes a minute for it all to come back, but instead of trying a bunch of different things that might work, you try what worked last time first, and usually it does again. Most importantly, you already know how to breastfeed! It’s a bit of a challenge the first time around, but after a brief refresher on how to latch a newborn, you’re good to go. You know how your boobs work. You know how to deal with supply going up and down, how to pump, and it doesn’t take as long to get used to being up and down all night. Mainly, I am finding that the second time around is easier in a lot of ways just because I’m not always trying to figure out how to do this, or deal with the new stage, etc.
Thank you, Cathy!! These are wonderful.
You are so right that tt will be nice to have that element of the unknown around diaper changes and baths and feeding schedules removed. That much I’m not concerned about.
Oh, the memories…My husband and I would find our firstborn daughter, Emily, secretly crying because she thought when the new baby was born she would be sent away (replaced). Our hearts broke when she told us why she was crying.
The one survival tip I can offer is let the housework slide a little and use the extra time with your older child. I did, for better or worse. I dedicated a special hour everyday to Emily when the baby went down for a nap where I didn’t answer the phone, I didn’t do chores, etc. In that hour, Emily and I would sit having tea parties, reading books, doing silly songs and dancing, etc. She loved the special one-on-one time she got with Mommy (and I loved it too).
The other thing that comes to mind. We let Emily pick out the baby’s clothes each day and praise when she helped with the baby (i.e. brought a diaper). We would tell her she was the “best big sister ever” and tell her how much the baby loved her over and over again.
Don’t stress over the jealously. Deal with it when and if it comes!
Oh, and when Lucia shows interest in nursing, I express a drop or two and she catches it in her finger and licks it. I want to encourage her interest in nursing and satisfy her curiosity without actually having her trying to nurse! Seems to keep her happy so far.
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