The end
My friend Jodi had a beautiful baby boy this weekend named Gavin.
Jodi and I both studied journalism and were floormates at Ryerson, and have stayed close since. We don’t see each other much, but usually email once a month, and she is a regular reader of this site. For as long as I’ve known her, she was never sure she wanted children. So when she announced she was was pregnant, most of us were shocked and incredibly tickled. It’s been such a pleasure to watch her grow these past months.
Jodi’s husband Brad shared this photo on Facebook over the weekend, and it hasn’t strayed far from my mind since I saw it Sunday.
You all probably know that look as well as I do. That’s the first look of love when you hold your minutes-old baby in your arms. There is no duplicating it. There is no faking it. That is pure, raw love.
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This morning as I tidied the house, I started absentmindedly sorting toys. Alice has started growing out of those soft, small stuffies and plastic rings, gravitating more towards larger, louder, more interactive toys. I’ve started a pile to sell/donate, and a pile to keep for family and friends’ babies.
The last time I packed toys away, I knew they would be played with again in our house. We knew we were not finished having kids, that there was one more wee McDougall-Foster to bring into this world.
But this time. Today. Today it slammed into me that we are done. Really, truly done. I will never be pregnant again. I will never breastfeed again. I will never carry a teeny being inside a pouch slung across my chest again. Those newborn coos and wails will never reverberate off our walls.
I will never have that look of new love again.
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The Gentle Vasectomy Clinic called today. It’s been almost two weeks, and they have yet to receive Eric’s results. Receptionist Brian — who 11 weeks ago candidly demonstrated how to put a numbing patch on my husband’s testicles — is now on their trail.
We are anxious and excited.
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My friend Carolyn once said when you are done having children, you must mourn for the babies you will never have. That always rang true, and I understood it from a practical level. But today the process has started.
I honestly do not want more kids. My capacity — emotionally, physically, financially — has been reached, good and bad. Our family feels right and complete.
And I’m OK with that.
But it doesn’t mean it can’t ache once in a while.
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There are currently 8 responses
I’m still aching four kids and five years later!
That is a wonderful pic – your friend is going to cherish it. And I understand the ache. :O)
Beautiful post, there will not be anymore babes in my house either and for some strange reason I have packed clothes & toys into boxes, am saving them for some reason – for me to look at when I maybe get the small urge I can just take the stuff out and look at the small things and put them back in a box, or is it my subconscious saying you’re not done? Not sure.
I don’t know if I’m not there yet or if I’ll never be there, but I have no grief and haven’t in the 9 months since my husband’s operation. I can’t think about children who will never be, even if I try. It’s too abstract a concept. I think it might be because, up until I started dating my husband, I never thought I’d have children. And so, with two people I never thought would exist, my family is more than I ever expected it would be.
I think a good analogy that I just thought up right now is this: My family, to me, is like a puzzle. All the pieces were put together and, with Avery, the puzzle is complete. I’m not searching for more or wondering what it would look like with more pieces, because I can see that it is complete. The edges are straight, there are no holes, the picture is perfect.
Honey, I’m 51 yrs. old, my baby is 24…I still have that occasional ache.
Thank God for grandchildren.
I love your post… I too get the ache every so often. I am pretty sure that we are done, but every so often I can picture another baby for us. However, all I have to do is visit a friend who has a small baby and I seemingly get my fix….especially when I see all the diapers, bottles, etc. and hear those cries. I am happy with the ages that Carson and Hannah are right now!
I have the feeling that my family is complete after only having one child. He is almost 3 years old and I feel confident in the decision not to have anymore children. When I tell people this they look at me like I have 3 heads, which makes me question our decision. But we are very happy and feel our family is complete. Knowing that I still get the ache every now and then. Mainly when I see a picture or video of when Jaxson was a newborn and if I am going through his stuff and see something that brings back great memories it makes me miss him being so small. I know this will never go away.
Congratulations, Jodi!