From my Canadian babies to yours:

(Yes, Alice can wave!)

Introduction and Part 1 available here.

February.

I’m nervous, so I’m sweaty, and that’s making the annoying and loud paper covering the exam table stick to my skin.

I’m in every woman’s least favourite but most necessary position in the world: Flat on my back, legs in stirrups, dreaded speculum down there.

Dr. M peers over the top of my knee.

“Well,” she says, clearing her throat, and I think Shit, this can’t be good, “I think everything is fine. But I’m not an expert on female anatomy, you understand. I’m a GP. I know generally where everything is supposed to be.”

She points a latex gloved hand to the spot that’s troubling me.

“And I’m not sure what that is.”

She hands me a referral to the obstetrician who delivered Lucy in 2006 (the woman who delivered Alice is a regular doctor who delivers babies).

“I want you to see someone with surgical capabilities,” Dr. M says. The appointment is not until June.

I go hot and cold all at once. My hands are shaking as I strap a screaming Alice into her carseat, and I’m fighting back tears. This is not what I wanted to hear. This is the second medical professional that has mentioned surgery to me in the past three months.

How can this be happening? I am healthy. I had two normal deliveries, neither of which had prolonged pushing (Lucy for just over an hour, Alice 12 MINUTES) or major trauma. I was pretty active during both pregnancies. I hadn’t, however, really done kegels at all in the past four years of pregnancy and post-partum living. Was I ever kicking myself for that now.

Who knew I had such a weak pelvic floor? Sure, I’d have the odd pee leak if my bladder was full and I sneezed. And jumping on a trampoline? Forget it.

But there was no indication that anything like this would happen. I remember reading about the importance of a strong pelvic floor during and after pregnancy, but it was never hammered into me the way I now believe it should for every woman — having babies or not.

There is nothing wrong with the way things are functioning, as can be a big problem when you have a suspected prolapse. I’m going to the washroom fine. I’m not in pain. I just feel like something is there. All up up (down?) in my space. In the morning, it’s not so bad. But at the end of long days lifting my girls, chasing my girls, walking and cooking and standing, I feel like something is going to fall out of me.

A few weeks later, I am in a local walk-in clinic with Alice, who has a gooey, crusty green eye, when a bright yellow brochure catches my attention.

It’s targeted to older women with incontinence issues, but also talks about pelvic floor strengthening, learning proper kegels, lifestyle changes. “You don’t have to live this way” it says, and my hands tighten on the paper in hope.

Vicki is a registered physiotherapist specializing in this area. I never even knew such a person existed.

I make an appointment right away.

We spent the better part of an hour together, discussing my symptoms, my babies, my daily routine. Had anyone mentioned a less invasive approach? Taught you how to exercise? All I’d been told so far was to do kegels (no, no one explained how — I looked it up online), wait a year or until I was done breastfeeding, hope for the best, and maybe have surgery if I couldn’t live with “the best.”

“It is shameful in our country the lack of understand and support the medical community gives,” she says shaking her head in frustration. “I see women all ages, and many your age.”

Relief washes over me. I don’t feel so alone or afraid now.

Vicki says she can’t guarantee everything will go back to normal (“Nothing is ‘normal’ after childbirth,” she says with a smile, and we snicker) but she promises it will get better.

“On a scale of 1-10, how much would it bother you if everything stayed exactly how it is right now?” she asks, pen poised over a chart.

For a long while, I can’t answer. The number is stuck in the back of my throat, and the tears slip silently down my cheeks. I watch as they form dark circles on my jeans, and feel Vicki watching me.

“Eleven,” I whisper. “I feel broken. I hate this. I don’t want to be afraid of sex. I want to run and skip after my girls. I want to live without thinking about this with every step I take.”

Vicki’s hand is on my arm, and she hands me a tissue box.

“Don’t worry,” she says. “We’ll get there.”

To be continued…

Lucy’s idol is getting a makeover.

I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I’ve always loved that Dora was, well, so toddler-like: chubby, bobbed hair, socks pulled up, running shoes, durable and basic clothes (could do without the belly hanging out, though).

Now Matell & Nickelodeon have…made her grow up. She’s got hair down to her arse, highlights (!), eyelashes, is skinny and — I will NEVER forgive them for this — wearing leggings.

How is she supposed to climb tall mountain, ride in Benny’s hot air balloon or dance with the troll under the bridge in that get up? Have you seen those shoes? Ballet flats? Gimme a break.

I feel like she’s lost some of her innocence. But is it just a natural progression and growing up of a character? I’ve been rather happy that Archie and the gang have remained in high school for, oh, 60+ years.

Thoughts?

If you’re in need of any clothes for your kids, there’s an awesome sale you need to know about.

Our friends at Growing, Growing Gone online kids clothing store are having a Toonie Sale: Baby, kids and teen items reduced up to 90%, with most only $2-$8!

Owner Jennifer had a similar sale a while back, and we got the cutest matching t-shirts, dresses and shorts for Lucy and Alice — six items total — for just $12.

Seriously, you can’t beat it. And the stuff is all brand name: GAP, Children’s Place, OshKosh, Carters etc. so you know it’s good quality. And if you’re into the matchy-matchy thing (c’mon, admit it…) you’ll find tons of the same style clothes in various sizes.

Here are the details.

What: Toonie Sale – 72 Hours only!
When: 10 p.m. Mon, June 29 – 10 p.m. Thurs. July 2
Where: www.growinggrowinggone.ca
(Due to the super discounted prices all extra discount % coupons will be temporarily suspended during the duration of the sale.)

Happy shopping!

Today is Lucy’s last day at daycare for the summer.

Our wonderful home provider, Julia, closes down for the summer to spend the school vacation with her three boys (she’s a single mom). So far this has worked for us, with me working from home and getting help from our teenager Shelby and our parents. But we’ve had many conversations the past two years about how much longer we can handle the shut-down.

Certainly next summer — when I plan to be working three days a week — it will not be viable.

But we’re not thinking about that right now. We’re thinking about:

• a) it’s summer!
• b) ohdeargod, it’s summer!
• c) what am I going to do with two kids for nine weeks?
• d) how am I not going to go nutty with two kids?

We’ll be getting various breaks from each other at daycamp, the cottage and help from Shelby again and our parents. But people: There are a ton of loonnnng days ahead. And you can only craft away or hang out in the backyard so much.

So, let’s help each other out. What do you do all summer? Where do you go to play? Splash pad? Park? Trail? Best indoor place on a hot/rainy day? Festivals? Museums?

Leave a comment, and we can build up a fabulous local resource to refer to all summer.

As an added bonus, I’ve got a set of Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Keys to give away to one lucky commenter!

Here are my faves:

• Any and all local fairs (click here for a list of all the fairs in Ontario, including Durham Region)
• Libraries, early year’s centres (full list of Durham’s are on the site here!)
• Brooks Farms (tractor rides!), plus Cooper’s Goat & Veggie Farm, Uxbridge (corn sandbox and…goats!)
• Port Perry’s waterfront — soon to have a splash pad! And they have great restaurants, picnic area and park
• Picnics in the park (there’s something so…summer about doing this)
• Indoor malls on hot days to cool down
• Ditto indoor play centres (see our list here!)
• Kiddie pool in the backyard with friends
• All of Durham’s local festivals and celebrations can be found on the Tourism Durham website, and others — see the local events page

I’m so far behind on recording the little happenings in our life lately. Before they are forgotten forever in the vortex of summer and growing kids, a list (with pics, below):

• Three Dora & Diego window stickers & a beach ball now grace the glass and floor in Lucy’s room, because my girl has gone poop on the potty FOUR TIMES in a row! That’s right, no 3+-year-old poopy diapers in a week. We are so thrilled. And so is Lucy. She keeps asking if we’re calling everyone to tell them — and that “I’m so proud of myself!”
• If you’re wondering what worked, it was a combo of give and take: I bought some dollar store toys, and put them in a bucket in the bathroom so she could see them. When she went poop, so got a prize. If she went poop in her diaper, she had TV taken away for the rest of the day. We only had to take TV away three times before she realized we meant business. — and that television AND a toy was awesome.
• Speaking of poop, poor Alice is battling terrible constipation. A result, I think, of adding a second bottle of formula a day, Cheerios and crackers. She just hollers like the devil when she goes. We are taking out stock in prunes
• Speaking of butts, Alice can sit up on her own now. It’s so adorable when they can do that! A whole new world to learn about from that angle
• Also, her top two teeth are coming in. Anyone else hate teething? Yeesh.
• I have piles and piles of reviews to do and write (vitamins, food, play centres, pacifiers). I think the week I’m at the cottage with the girls will be review week.
• Our gardens look gorgeous right now. Must post pics.
• We saw the Sound of Music on Saturday (must see the movie still, as I don’t quite get what all the fuss is about…), and we were away from the girls from 9:30 a.m. until 6 p.m. During the performance, I had this pain in my arm that traveled from my elbow to shoulder, and was all freaked out telling Eric to watch in case I had a stroke. When we got home and Alice drained my milk-swollen right breast? Pain disappeared. WEIRD. Can one get milk backed up in their appendages?
• The other weekend was our local Duck Derby, and guess who was there? Bram from Sharon, Lois and Bram! Remember Skinnamarink-A-Dinky-Dink? ALL the parents in the audience were swaying and singing, blissful in reliving their childhoods, while our kids were looking around suspiciously. T’was hilarious.
• For Father’s Day, Lucy made personalized keepsake jars for Eric, her Papa and Grandpa. They were a hit, and she loved doing them.
• It’s stinkin’ hot out, and I LOVE IT. Been hanging tons of laundry, with Alice babbling away in her booster seat outside on the deck
• I lost three nose pins this weekend — two down the drain, and one in bed. Grr…
• Lucy and I did swimming lessons together for eight weeks. More on this later.
• Stroller Fit class continues to be great fun, and an even awesomer workout now that instructor Kelly has kicked it up: We walk faster, use benches, tip toe up hills. No weight loss, but this weekend I fit into pants I haven’t been able to in years!

And pics:

I have been too scared to write this post.

Yet I need to write it. For myself and you and every woman out there dealing with this and its related issues, in my continuing quest to give voice to the personal, embarrassing, challenging and emotional side of pregnancy and parenting that we as women don’t talk enough about.

I wish I had access to another mom’s personal story while going through…this, so in turn, I write it for us.

(Like when I almost hurt Alice and had to get help, a post and your comments that I’m grateful for every day.)

It’s also written for my girls, so a) one day they’ll know they’re not alone, and b) one day they’ll know what their growing little in utero selves did to me, adding another guilt trip I can whip out in an argument when they want to borrow the car.

So, here goes…

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We are in the car.

“Mumma, who’s that lady?”

(Pointing to a woman in white shorts walking on the sidewalk.)

“I don’t know, Honey.”

“She looks like a Mommy.”

“She does? Why does she look like a Mommy?”

“She has short hair.”

“Oh. Well, Mumma doesn’t have short hair, and she’s a Mommy. Neither does Julia (our daycare provider).”

Silence from the back seat. I can, however, hear the wheele grinding in Lucy’s head, and I’m grinning, waiting for the toddler punchline.

“Maybe just OLDER Mommys have short hair!”